Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
