She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
