you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
