ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
