Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
