Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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