we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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