4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
