Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
