oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
