hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
