I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
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