Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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