just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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