I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
She needs sedatives and a leash
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
