a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
