Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
