My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
