Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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