so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
