i permit you to call me
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm just crazy horny about you
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Randomize
