I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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