when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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