Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
