threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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