and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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