Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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