I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
worst night to have a conscience
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize