I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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