Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
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