It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
