Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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