I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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