Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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