you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
