What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Randomize
