My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
