mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
