You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
