my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
