She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
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