you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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