I haven't been this sober since birth.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize