My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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