how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
