I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
