I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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