No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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