I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
