I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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