and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
that may or may not have been my penis.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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