Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
