she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
