onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
