Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
