did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
The best revenge is premature balding
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
