when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
