I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
