Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
