Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
