I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Your dad touched me again.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
