My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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