Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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