Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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