I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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