so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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