If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
