have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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