do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
