lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
